2018 decided it was going to welcome it’s self with bad news and heartbreak. January 1st at 10:00am my best friend, my role model, my grandmother passed away quietly in hospital after a month or so of deteriorating health and a stroke she suffered a year prior and was never really able to recover fully from. She was a strong and happy 91 years of age and laughed and fought her way through life. She was feisty and funny, strong and resilient, tough but loving, and I am blessed to have known her, learned from her and lived with her. Aside from this tragedy, November and December it self weren’t easy months either, knowing she was bed ridden in the hospital and constantly being told she would have just a few days to live put our whole family on edge and in fear of what each day would bring.
And with that, I retreated from blogging, from social media all together and almost not knowing how to continue in finding the Christmas spirit. I am truly dedicated to this blog and love sharing our life and stories but I couldn’t get myself to find the motivation to write and felt guilty anytime I enjoyed a moment or had a laugh. One of the toughest things about being a mom is that no matter what is going on, you can never stop – you can never not take care of your kids. Through sleep deprivation, heartache, sickness or pain, there is no stopping or break. You can only keep going and persevere. This is also one of the best things about motherhood – the desire and motivation to still smile and shelter our babies from life’s harsh realities (at least for as long as we can). However, they were a pleasant distraction and kept me smiling and thinking about the good things around me instead of focusing on the sad.
This was my first time dealing with grief so close to my family, I have never lost anyone so close to me and I don’t know what it would have been like for me if I didn’t have the love of my girls. The joy and happiness they bring to me daily was a reminder of what is most important – them, my family and our health.
It was the strangest feeling to lose a little of myself, part of my mind was thinking about my sick grandmother and it was hard to focus on the day to day. What’s for dinner or doing our Christmas crafts, everything didn’t have the same joy to me as it normally would. And even now as I try and get myself and our family back on track and settled back into a routine, the vibe is still different – as if we just came back from a long trip away. That “away” feeling is all mental, it’s like I haven’t been mentally present for a while and suddenly it’s time to wake up and move on. And that is what I am focusing on most – the now. Appreciating all I have, all the good and all that is to come – and I am thankful for this wonderful little community I am creating with all of you. A place for us to open our minds and hearts and be open and honest about ourselves with others. The good and bad, our fears and mistakes and all that we want for us and our little families. I don’t have any advice on how to get through the tough days (sorry guys – I’m still figuring it all out myself) but I will say that being vulnerable when you need to and allowing yourself to break down is ok. It’s the only way to build yourself back up again. And when I was hurting the most I would say nothing at all and just hug my girls tight, lay with them and cuddle with them and enjoy having them, they gave me so much comfort and they didn’t even know it, and that is one way to stop the hurt – love!
Please feel free to share any of your own stories below – of loss or how you dealt with your own grief. Any advice on how to move forward for anyone reading?
I have a lot of posts I was working on that have been put on hold as we dealt with all this sadness and I am looking forward to getting them up and posted for you guys! Thanks for all the likes, comments and follows – you guys are awesome xx
Michelle and the minis xo